The Top 10 Things They Don’t Tell You About Pregnancy

OK, OK, I know you have read articles and posts like this about a million times.  But this one is different!  I promise!

As my time as a human incubator is drawing to a close, I’ve been reflecting on the past 7 months.  It’s been a whirlwind to say the least!  Don’t worry, I am WELL aware that these last 2 months will move slower than molasses flowing uphill on a cold day in January, but the last 7 flew by.

I wanted to share some of these pearls of wisdom, some insights I have gained over the past few months with all of you in the form of a not-overdone-at-all Top 10 List.  The stuff that the doctor doesn’t tell you…or your mother…or that pregnancy book you proudly bought but let’s be honest here, you only read the first three chapters before getting bored…or even your best friend who now sports her litter of 4 children.

Shit’s about to get real here people…it might be a little TMI for some of you, so if you are my father or my husband, consider this your warning and proceed with caution.

I shamelessly give you…My Take on The  Top 10 Things They Don’t Tell You About Pregnancy.

10. I Puked on the Dog the Other Day

Yes, you read that right.   So what the “experts” DO tell you is that as the baby grows, your organs (including your stomach) start to get smooshed, you get heartburn, blah blah blah.  But here’s what they DON’T overtly tell you (although in retrospect it makes sense): your tummy just can’t hold as much food/water as it used to before it was sharing limited space with a growing human roughly the size of a pineapple.

So the other day, I chugged a bunch of water (because yes, I’m still always thirsty) and then bent over to give the pup a little belly rub.  And then I put a little too much trust in a burp…sorry buddy.  Luckily it was mostly water, he enjoys baths, and he’s quite forgiving.


All was forgiven after a bath and some cuddles.

9. Shaving Your Legs (well, anything below the belt really) is an Olympic Sport

At a certain point, your growing belly will start to get in the way of this once routine activity; it is what it is.  Going forward, shaving will take forever and will require a multitude of contorted positions.  Sometimes you just have to close your eyes, say a little prayer, let go and let God, and trust that you have done this enough times in the past to go in blind with the razor.  And yes, when you think you are finished, it will actually in fact look like a litter of baby hamsters died on your lady bits.  And some days you just resign yourself to the fact that it’s a leggings day and not a dress day.

8. How Am I Hungover if I Didn’t Even Get Crunked Last Night?

We all know that all too familiar feeling of waking up with a raging headache, nausea, cracked lips, the Sahara Desert in your mouth, and an overwhelming sense of shame.  Yeah…welcome to every single morning of my third trimester so far.  OK, minus the shame part.  Except you (obviously) didn’t down a bottle of Cabernet and drunk text your ex last night so you don’t deserve this goddammit!!!

7. You Can Look…But You Can’t Touch

Poor Danon…I finally have the giant 34C’s that he’s always dreamed of (increased in size from “indented and coming out of my back”).  Seriously, I now have the boobs that people here in the OC pay good money for.  But so help me Jesus, if he lays one hand on them…let’s just say violence has been threatened.  Yes, I know I know…enlarged, sore breasts are a very commonly discussed pregnancy symptom.  But those doctors really need to elaborate on the fact that any contact at all with your sore, enlarged breasts literally feels like extra coarse sandpaper is being vigorously and repeatedly rubbed all over your nipples.

6. OK, You Know What…Scratch That…You Can’t Look Either

My doctor calls it “vascularization”.  I call it “giant blue boobie veins”.  (Apparently we disagree on the correct medical term here.)  And I remember the first time I saw them, I was standing in the bathroom mirror one morning getting ready for work.  They let their presence be known in all their giant spidery blue glory and I was immediately horrified.  At that moment, Danon walked by and I covered my chest at the speed of light, curled up in a ball on the floor and screamed “Don’t look at me!!!”  Such a proud moment…

5. Who is this “Moderation” Lady I am Supposed to be Eating Cookies With?

We all hear about pregnancy cravings…stories of women sending their husbands to the grocery store at 3AM to buy pickles and ice cream.  But what I was completely unprepared for was the uncontrollable urge to cram a dozen Oreos down my gullet, like, NOW, and the fact that I could not focus, could not complete the original intended task at hand until this urge was satiated.  To simply call it “primal” and “animalistic” would be a huge understatement.  It’s like you temporarily have an out of body experience and lose your damn mind.

4. Everything Swells.  Ev.Ery.Thing.

We all know about giant potato feet, cankles, and our hands swelling to the point where we can no longer wear our rings.  That’s rookie shit.  Other things swell too.  And at the risk of revealing waaaaaay TMI, let’s just say I’ve needed to pack myself in ice on more than one occasion.

3.  I Am Not a Special Snowflake Pregnancy Ironwoman

I thought that being active throughout the duration of my pregnancy would be a breeze.  I read a quite a few blogs written by other women who were able to run 20-30 mile weeks throughout the entire duration of their pregnancies, and thought to myself “I can totally do that!”  I even had plans to run the Surf City Half Marathon at 35 weeks preggers!  And then reality sets in.  Bottom line ladies…I’m 35 and these women were in their mid- to late-20’s at the time of their pregnancies.  And every woman’s body is different.  And everyone’s baby sits differently in the uterus.

Maternity belt

About to set out on what would be one of my final runs.

So what’s the reality?  I’m 31 weeks along, and I cannot walk for more than 2 miles without having to deal with excruciating round ligament pain in my right hip flexor.  Is it frustrating?  Yeah.  Really frustrating…last year at this time I was qualifying for the Boston Marathon and now I can’t even walk 3 miles.  It effing sucks.  But I can still swim, spin, do yoga and weight train.  And oh yeah…I have a healthy baby so far (knock on wood).  Life could be much, much worse, and don’t worry…I’ll be back to running in the future 😉

Weight Training

It’s not a run on the beach path, but it’ll do.

2.  Your Floors Get Really Really Dirty

You know that mushroom you dropped on the floor during dinner prep?  Picking it up means having to attempt to bend over…or get in that really awkward sumo squat/peeing in the great outdoors position.  And there’s no guarantee that once you are down you will be getting back up anytime soon.  Outcome:  the mushroom stays.  And so does what’s left of your dignity (for now).

1.  Baby Kicks are Crack

Awwwwww, you thought this was going to be all bad stuff.  I’m leaving the best for last.  The baby kicks make it all worth it.  I could feel nugget move in my belly all day every day for the rest of this pregnancy and not get sick of it at all.  Right at this moment, I am playing her some Amy Winehouse and she is “dancing” around…or she’s trying to claw her way out of my uterus, I’m not sure.  But it feels so cool.

Anything I missed?  Any funny pregnancy stories or anecdotes to share?  I would love to hear them and we can LOL together in the comments!


  1. I hope you post a post pregnancy top 10 things they don’t tell you … I was rolling laughing about how true all this was 🙂


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